Chapter 5

I wish I hadn't seen all of the realness
And all the real people really aren't real at all
The more I learn, the more I cry
As I say goodbye to the way of life
I thought I had designed for me . . .

~ 'Try' by Nelly Furtado

The beige Cavalier made its way down a lonely stretch of empty road, its headlights two beacons in the dark night where the only other light came from the half moon. Corn stalks littered the countryside, sometimes five feet high until they dwindled away into bean fields. A million stars winked in the sky, bright against the absence of city lights, and the Cavalier's driver couldn't help but crane her neck to stare. Their simple beauty and consistency were comforting.
An old nineties tune played softly on the radio, one she didn't particularly care for. She wasn't familiar with eastern Indiana's radio stations, so she kept it on there and waited it out for the next song, which came rather quickly. The first violin strains of Bittersweet Symphony began to play, and her lips curved in a smile.
"What are you listening to?"
The girl eyed her passenger, one hand on the wheel and one resting on the open window. The redhead was curled in her seat comfortably, and regarding her with lazy green eyes and a raised eyebrow. "Something that I knew would annoy you. I couldn't resist the temptation."
"Oh, I'm sure," Robyn replied, her mouth curving into a smile. She relished the feel of the muggy breeze through her hair from the open window. She paused to yawn big, covering her mouth with the back of her hand and arching her back before plopping back down in her seat. "I am so tired. What do you say we stop for the night?"
Her companion glanced at her briefly before down at the clock. The luminous green letters of the radio clock read just past two in the morning. She was pretty tired herself - the constant driving was starting to wear on them both. "You sure?"
Robyn nodded. "Yeah. We both need sleep. I say the next couple of trees we find, we can head off road and park behind them."
They talked easily for the next ten minutes, until finally their little car happened upon a cluster of trees a few yards to their left, next to a bean field. The car was maneuvered off the road and behind one of the larger trees, then halted to a stop.
"We're still pretty visible from the road," Robyn stated, chewing on her lip as she looked back to the blacktop. "I hope no cops decide to come this way."
Her companion paused before turning around and leaning way over into the backseat. Robyn could hear her rummaging around for something. "The only thing we have to worry about is buyers."
She found what she was looking for and opened her door to step outside. Robyn watched her curiously as she opened the back passenger door and slid a plate into place in the back windshield. Furrowing her brow, Robyn got out. The grass was cold under her flip-flopped feet, and she could hear hundreds of crickets and katydids in the otherwise quiet of the night as she walked.
The redhead laughed when she looked at the 'For Sale' sign tucked in the back windshield. "Yeah, let's hope no one gets interested in buying this thing."
Her friend grinned cheekily. "Ground or car?"
"Car. I don't trust the wildlife out here."
She gave a faint snort as she opened the trunk to pull out a few worn blankets. "Yeah, those squirrels and rabbits are pretty fierce."
"Shut up," Robyn laughed. "You know what I mean."
"All those sharp teeth. Might chew out your eyes while you're sleeping.”
"Get over yourself," Robyn laughed, giving her a playful shove. She then came up with an idea, and gasped, "Hey! Let's sit on the roof of the car for a bit, it’ll be relaxing.”
The other girl looked at the roof dubiously, wondering if it would hold them both or not. "We could give it a try." They placed a blanket on the roof, and climbed up from the trunk to sit on the top. They were both able to lay down comfortably, and were soon staring up at the sky filled with diamond like stars, dark brown hair and bright red hair mingling in the small space.
"It's so pretty," Robyn remarked quietly. She had one leg propped up on the other and a foot swinging slowly back and forth. "I have no clue what constellations are up there, though."
"The only ones I know are the two Dippers and Draco. I don't see them, but then again I'm not looking very hard."
Robyn chuckled. "Too much work." They stayed companionably silent for long minutes, admiring the view and listening to the warm breeze filter through the leaves of the few trees around them. It felt wonderful, so wonderful for both of them to be at ease with their surroundings and far away from their problems. Almost as if the world could not touch them there, relaxing on the roof of a car in the middle of nowhere, the only companion needed at the time was the one laying next to the other.
"I wanna go to Chicago," Robyn stated abruptly.
"What brought that on?"
She shrugged. "It’s a cool city. We should swing up there tomorrow, it'll be fun. We're only like, a four hour drive from there anyhow. We could wake up early and go."
"I don't know about you, but my internal alarm clock isn't set for 'early'."
"Even if we get up a, say, ten, we'll still make it there by early afternoon." Her friend hesitated, and Robyn sat up, eyes wide and pleading. "Aw, please? Just for the day? We can go to Navy Pier, ride the ferris wheel. Walk around downtown and go up the Sears Tower and chuck pennies down from the top."
The other girl chuckled. "That'd piss some people off. We'd have to avoid hitting any small puppies." Robyn laughed. The other teen paused, warming up to the idea. "I suppose it won't hurt to do a little sightseeing."
"Yeah!" Robyn grinned gleefully, then laid back down. "It'll be great. Eat some hot dogs, too. Hey, do we have enough money for one of the museums?"
"Don't know. We'll see when we get there."
Robyn nodded, extremely happy with the way things were turning out. It felt great to be able to get up and gosomewhere without anyone telling them 'no'. She would make sure they made the best out of this little trip where they could afford to. After all, who could find them in a big city like that?
"You ever consider going back?" her friend asked just as suddenly as Robyn's statement had been."When we've gone as far west as we can . . . how much further can we run? I know I've considered going back to some of the places of my childhood. Do you think of going back to Japan?"
Robyn's elation deflated, and her heart throbbed the painful beat of fear and anxiety. "I don't know," she whispered. "I . . . don't know right now. The only reason I would consider going back to Japan . . ."
"Would be Cye," the other girl stated. She'd heard many things about this boy from Robyn. It intrigued her, the impression this little boy left on her, for it didn't take long to realize just how much he had meant to her. What kind of person could this Cye have been to be remembered so fondly and with such love almost a decade later?
"Yeah," Robyn nodded, a small smile crossing her face. "I think everyone's got that one childhood friend they'll never forget, but Cye . . . Cye was something special. He was a lot more than that. I don't think I would be the person I am today without him."
Her friend smiled softly. "That's lovely," she commented, and meant it. "Little kid with a big heart."
"He had a heart of gold. You'd like him."
"I'm sure I would. Do you think you will see him again?"
"I hope so. It'd be great to see him now, since we were so little when we last saw each other."
"Would you be able to recognize him? Ten years is a long time."
"I think I could," Robyn nodded confidently. "He had a memorable face, and his hair color would make him easy to spot in Japan. Like a coppery brown."
"He could've shaved it bald."
Robyn laughed as she mentally pictured it. "I think his mom would have a baby cow." She paused." You know, why a cow? Why is the saying 'have a cow'?"
"As opposed to horse or pig or elephant?"
"Yeah."
"I have no idea. Probably because 'I think his mom would have a pig' just sounds silly." They laughed.
Something buzzed in the tree above, and before they knew it that something dropped on the car roof between them. The girls screamed loudly and sat up, clamoring to get away from whatever was now buzzing between them. The dark brunette slid down to the trunk and hopped on the ground, but Robyn's grip on the car was unsteady. In her rush to get away from the dark thing crawling on the blanket, she lost her grip and fell to the ground, landing hard on her side in the grass.
"Did you just fall off the car?" Her friend laughed out from the other side. A groan could be heard, and the girl craned her neck to look at the dark, buzzing entity on the blanket."It's . . . it's just a June Beetle!" she managed to choke out through her chuckles.
"But it's August!" Robyn called out in protest from the ground. A hand stuck out, and Robyn took it. They looked at each other and couldn't control their laughter at their own reactions to the beetle, further so when neither of them seemed to want to get rid of it.
They giggled their way through shaking out the blanket, and Robyn gave a yelp when it flew out in their direction.
"See what I told you?" she exclaimed. "The wildlife here suck! That's it, I'm getting in the car. And we're rolling up all the windows."

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

They didn't give her anything when she woke up that morning. They didn't need to - she was still feeling the effects of what they had given her last night, whatever it was. She felt groggy, sluggish, and her reflexes were still slow. She was tired; tired of fighting, tired of getting away only to be brought right back from where she had come. At least she was getting out of New York City. That was the one mantra she had repeated to herself all that morning; she was away from New York City. They wouldn't think to look in Oakburg. She didn't even know where it was, so how could they?
Robyn sat listlessly in the back of the car as Mr. LeBeck drove the two hour drive to Oakburg. The only feelings she could dredge up were anger and faraway horror.
Horror that she was really being taken to a mental institution and there was literally nothing she could do about it now, and anger at the man in the front seat. It had to have been his call to drug her up the night before, and she really resented it. Despite the fact that she'd had no nightmares that night, or if she did, she didn't remember them. Even so, she was just plain mad, and settled for glaring at the back of his head and imaginings all sorts of pain she wanted to inflict on him. Maybe it was uncalled for, but she'd had a hellish past week, and he just happened to be the person all of her anger and frustration was pinpointing right now.
She rested her head back against the black leather seat and turned to stare out the window. It had started to rain. How fitting. The sky was as gray as her mood, and it was spitting down on her. Thin droplets started to streak the window, and she watched as other drivers began to turn on their windshield wipers against the coming onslaught of rain. Her hazed over green eyes took in each driver as the cars passed by; a balding man, glasses, blank expression; a large woman with curly hair and two children in the backseat, fighting; a young woman with brown hair, eating something as she drove; a middle aged man and woman, the former singing and tapping his fingers on the steering wheel. Some going to work, some going home or going out for the day.
Where was she going? Oh yeah. A mental hospital. What fun. A lump suddenly welled up in her throat, and Robyn fought it back, blinking away the sudden moistness in her eyes. It felt like the entire world was working against her, set to make her miserable. Could she ever be happy? Really? Being chased by unholy creatures, no home to go to, sent to a mental institution . . . none of this left room for happiness. God, didn't she deserve something?
The feelings of self pity swelled, and she couldn't stop a tear from escaping and sliding slowly down her cheek. Oh jeez, don't cry now! she scolded herself. Not with that idiot in the front seat! She willed herself to hold it in, forcibly so, and tried spend the next hour and a half dozing and wishing she were somewhere else.
Mr. LeBeck woke her up when neared the center, and Robyn sat up straighter when she finally spotted the sign welcoming them into Oakburg. She looked past it, straining to see signs of the hospital that apparently sat in the middle of nowhere. Rich, dark green trees lined either side of the road that curved in and out of more trees and fields.
As she observed her surroundings, Mr. LeBeck chose to speak. "The center is called Oakburg Psychiatric Hospital, Robyn. They told me you'll be staying in an adolescent unit, completely separate from the adult unit, and closer to the rest of the hospital that I've been told is where they conduct a bit of psychiatric research for new drugs and whatnot." He cleared his throat, a little unnerved by her silence. “It's a very good hospital, Robyn. Since it's state run and technically, you are a ward of the state, the finances will be covered for this summer."
The hospital came into view then - an off white, almost cream colored, very large building with a few smaller buildings connected to it and surrounding it. It sat in a field, with a few trees here and there for decoration's sake and a forest to its far left. A hill sloped gently behind it, and a town could be seen directly below, houses littering the countryside and, very faintly in the rainy haze, a downtown area. Robyn struggled to keep her breathing calm and level as the large building loomed closer.
All too soon Mr. LeBeck was pulling the car over in the circular drive at the front of the building and they were getting out. They entered the Oakburg Psychiatric Hospital and walked immediately over to the desk on the right of the long, carpeted hallway. "I have Robyn McCarthy here, we arranged ahead for her admittance to the adolescent unit."
The woman behind the desk nodded at Mr. LeBeck and briefly checked her files before picking up a phone and asking for 'transportation' for Miss McCarthy. They waited for a few minutes before two doors next to the desk opened. Two men in white uniforms stepped out, and one of them smiled briefly at Robyn.
"If you'll come with us, Miss McCarthy," he said in a deep, quiet voice. She looked at Mr. LeBeck quickly, sudden uncertainty flooding her eyes, and for the first time the man felt sympathetic.
He gave her a weak smile. "See you at the end of the summer, Robyn. If you need anything outside of the center, you can call Foundling." He gave her shoulder an awkward squeeze, and Robyn only stared at him before the two men led her towards the doors and through them.
Robyn walked quietly between the two larger men, clutching her duffel bag of clothes and meager personal belongings that the McCarthy's had brought back to Foundling with the clothes. Upon every double door they went through, the men would have to unlock it, then lock it once they got to the new hallway, something that slightly disturbed Robyn.
All right, it really bothered her. To be physically reminded that there was no way out of this place made Robyn feel like a caged animal, and even if she was able to get away she would never find her way out again. They'd gone through so many hallways in this big place that she had no idea where she could possibly be.
The trio finally came upon a set of double doors with a sign on the side that read: Adolescent Unit, Female; Ages twelve through seventeen. One of the men unlocked and opened the doors, and they stepped inside. Robyn found herself in a small, sort of pre-room to the actual unit, which was beyond another set of doors. There was a table to her left, along with a window -
A barred window.
Robyn stared at it with wide eyes. The window held long, thin grey bars, and in front of those was a mesh material, like chicken wire. Her heart began to race the longer she stared at the confining material over the glass of the window. This is it. You are full on living in a mental hospital, and there's no going back now. No leaving now.
She hadn't been aware that the two men had been talking to her, or that one of them had taken her bag from her limp fingers. It wasn't until she heard the clink of something hitting the table that she looked away from the window and to . . . her bag.
"Hey!" she protested. "Why are you looking through my bag?"
The other man looked at her, slightly exasperated. "As I explained, Miss McCarthy, we have to check your bag for any sharp items you might have been unknowingly carrying. It's standard procedure, I'm afraid."
Biting her lip to keep silent, Robyn watched as he checked all her clothes and things, the pockets of the duffel bag and anything else he might have missed. For some reason, it was almost humiliating to watch.
When he finished he turned, looked her over briefly and said," Miss McCarthy, I'm going to have to ask you to remove your belt."
"My . . .my belt?" she asked, baffled. "Why?"
"The belt buckle is sharp," he replied, almost apologetically. "You'll have to remove it."
"Are you serious?" she asked before she could stop herself, half laughing at the man. "It helps hold my shorts up, I kinda need it."
"I'm sorry, but we need to take it," he said firmly.
Robyn stared at him as if he were truly the crazy one, and upon seeing that he really wasn't going to back down until he had the belt, shook her head in disbelief and unbuckled it.
"Are you wearing any jewelry?" he asked her as he took and placed the belt aside. She shook her head. "May I ask that you empty your pockets?"
"They are empty," she responded snappishly, annoyed with this procedure already. She dug her hands in and pulled the white pocket material out to show him there was nothing in there. Satisfied, he unlocked the doors and they led her into the unit.
It was a long, wide hallway, tiled and equipped with bright ceiling lights. There was a row of doors stretching all the way down the hall on either side, most of them shut but a few of them open. The men led her past them, and but Robyn couldn’t spot anyone inside them.
As they reached the end of the hall and entered something that looked like it was posing as a living room, it suddenly hit Robyn how alone she was. There were people all around her; nurses walking by, orderlies, but they were strangers, and she still felt so alone. Like getting lost in a department store when you were a kid. Surrounded by all those people, but the world was suddenly a colder place without the comfort of whoever you had been with. Before, she had at least had some people - Jason, Sheila, even though they were here enemies now. At one point, they had been all she had. Now she didn't even have that.
A woman wearing what looked like a white lab coat over khakis and a purple shirt came up to her, holding a chart and giving her a smile. She looked relatively young; early thirties, light brown hair pinned up behind her head, and her hazel eyes were kind when she looked at Robyn.
"Hello, Miss McCarthy, my name is Angelina," she stuck out her hand and Robyn shook it. "I'm the head nurse in this unit, and allow me to welcome you to Oakburg. I know coming here is a little daunting at first, but I believe you'll come to realize that this place won't be so bad. Everyone here is dedicated to help you get better." She gave Robyn a smile, then asked the two orderlies to leave. “Unfortunately it's a little early to introduce you to everyone in the unit. We'll save that for lunch, shall we? Now, how about I show you to your room and you can meet your new roommate!"
Robyn paled with horror as she was led back down the hall. She had to share a room with someone in this place? With another crazy person? What would this girl possibly be like? Different visions and scenarios filled her head as Angelina led her to a door fairly close to the living room area. When she opened it, Robyn was expecting the worse.
A head of shockingly pale blonde hair shot up, followed by a pale face and bright blue eyes that immediately shot from the nurse to the newcomer.
"Thora, this is Robyn," Angelina said conversationally. "Robyn, you'll be sharing a room with Thora while you're here. I'll leave you to get settled in and for you two to get acquainted. After lunch, we can sit down and go over the rules and regulations for your stay."
"I can probably fill her in," Thora offered, "if you'd like."
Angelina tilted her head in thought, then nodded. "All right. We'll still meet later to fill in anything you might have missed as a precaution, okay?" They nodded, and Angelina gave them both a smile before retreating and shutting the door.
The silence of that moment was absolutely deafening. Robyn felt herself rooted to the spot as she stared at her new 'roomie' uncertainly, who was sitting Indian style on her bed with a book in her lap. She looked back up at Robyn, a measure of curiosity and apprehension in her gaze.
"I have never seen that shade of red before," she said abruptly. Robyn blinked, then cracked a wry smile and self consciously put a hand on her head.
"I've never seen that shade of blonde before," she admitted back. It looked almost white, and didn't quite fall to the girl's shoulders.
Thora flashed a grin. "Kind of albino like, isn't it? I used to hate it and thought maybe if I dyed it brown or something it'd be less noticeable. But then can you imagine what it would look like once the dye started growing out?"
Robyn couldn't resist a chuckle. "Pretty ridiculous."
"Yeah," Thora laughed. She took in the new redhead's hesitancy to make it over to her bed, then made a gesture. "Go ahead and put your stuff away. I can explain while you're doing your thing.” Robyn nodded and sat down.
Thora bit her lip to keep the questions whirling around in her head from surfacing. She'd been told that her straightforwardness unnerved some people, and she desperately wanted to get along with this new girl with the pretty red hair. She had wary, bright green eyes that made Thora jealous because her favorite color was green, and pale skin like hers. She watched from her position on the bed as Robyn paused to stare at the mesh protected window, watched as her face darkened considerably.
The blonde girl felt a measure of pity for the newcomer, and a certain measure of pity for herself. "Sucks," she said simply, and Robyn nodded, her face still drawn and grim. Her bed was the one under the window, and she sat on the pale blue comforter with her duffel bag and began to unzip it.
Thora sighed. "Well, I guess I'll run the rules by you, although I'm pretty sure Angel was just humoring me and she's going to repeat them all to you later incase I lie or something. "Are you voluntary?"
Furrowing her brow, Robyn went to ask what that meant when it finally occurred to her. "Oh, no - no," she shook her head, tone turning bitter. "I wouldn't be here if it was my choice."
"Why are you here?"
Robyn narrowed her eyes at the younger girl. "Only if you tell me." When Thora nodded, Robyn pushed back onto the bed and curled her legs under her. "They told me I'm depressed and I have some traumatic stress disorder . . . thing. And that's all I'm giving you," she warned, unwilling to share any more. She didn't want to have to go into a long explanation on what the 'traumatic' incident was.
"Fair enough," Thora shrugged, and then smiled, her blue eyes glinting. "I have bi-polar. I've been here for . . . almost a month, maybe three weeks."
Robyn nodded slowly. She'd heard of bi-polar before. So was this her . . . happy stage?
"What helps that?" Robyn heard herself ask, then wanted to smack herself. Nice, Robyn, it's not like asking what helps the common cold. You're talking about her brain here!
Thora however, wasn't the least bit bothered. "They've got me on a few mood stabilizing drugs and whatnot. I haven't upgraded to mania yet. They tell me this is hypomania, and this mood I really like, but the other one . . ." her face dimmed drastically for a couple seconds, releasing a sadness in her eyes that pulled at Robyn's heartstrings. "I don't like that one very much."
"Do they come at . . . any time?" Robyn asked carefully.
Thora shrugged. "Pretty much. I never know when it'll change. But anyway." Her face visible brightened, and she smiled sunnily at Robyn. "Rules, rules. Okay. Did they already tell you that sharp, pointy things are bad?"
Robyn chuckled. "Yeah, they covered that."
"Kay. Jeez, they had to take my earrings when I first got here!" Thora tugged at an earlobe and made a face. "I liked those earrings, too."
"What are they worried about, the backs?" Robyn asked incredulously. "What kind of damage could someone possibly do with the back of an earring?"
Thora gave a shrug. "Don't know. Obviously a lot if we're not allowed to wear them. No pins, belts, razors, forks, knives, spoons - we eat with plastic ones," she explained once she saw the questioning look in Robyn's eyes. "Um, I don't know what kind of privileges you'll be given right off, it usually depends on what you have and how often you act up."
"Act up?" Robyn cocked an eyebrow.
"Yell, disobey the nurses, pick fights with the other girls," Thora shrugged. "Stuff like that."
"What happens when you act up?"
Thora quieted for a moment, and Robyn felt a twinge of apprehension. "Privileges are taken away. And if you can't be controlled, they put you in the quiet room."
"The quiet room?" Robyn had to laugh.
"Yeah. Sometimes you can just go in there if you need to yell, or get angry, cause the nurses hate it when you yell. It's kind of hard to describe the privileges, but basically, the better behaved you are, the more privileges you get. They have to know they can trust you not to do anything stupid. You know, not abusing what is given to you."
Robyn nodded slowly. She wasn't exactly liking what she was hearing. Just how much could these people take away and give? And why? Wasn't the purpose of this place to help its patients? How can they help by pulling so much control?
"Why?" Robyn had to ask. "I mean, what's the purpose? What can they give and take away?"
Thora shifted uncomfortably, tucked her hair behind her ears. "Well, some of the more violent patients aren't allowed out of the unit, even to the cafeteria. A lot of the involuntary patients aren't allowed outside until they've proven they won't try to get away or anything."
Robyn paled and looked down. So she wasn't allowed outside, she thought, and was quite suddenly gripped with a sense of claustrophobia. It didn't seem fair in the least, but she had a feeling that if she complained, she would only bring more grief on herself.
“So, Basically, the more well behaved you are, the more free you are."
Thora gave her a crooked smile. "Yeah, I guess you can look at it that way."
At that moment, there was a click as the door abruptly whooshed open, startling Robyn and making Thora look up almost expectantly.
"Checks," an unfamiliar nurse stated blandly, giving Thora a once over before just as abruptly closing the door.
Bewildered, Robyn looked at Thora.
"Checks," the blonde repeated with a shrug. " The check system works on a five, fifteen, and thirty minute basis depending on your behavior and what you have. The girls who are depressed and suicidal are put on five minute checks so the nurses can keep an eye on them - people somewhere in between that, people like me, are on fifteen minute checks. I can't predict my episodes anymore than the nurses can, so I don't think I'll ever be on half hour checks."
Robyn's eyebrows were raised as she digested all of this. "So . . . what do you think they'll put me on?"
“They'll put you on five minute checks for this week - they do it with all new patients - but once they see you're not going to go loony and try to strangle yourself with your shoelaces, they'll probably put you on fifteen. I don't think anyone on this floor has made it to half hour checks yet."
Robyn didn't know how to react to that. Five minute checks? "So you're saying that they're going to open that door every five minutes . . . all the time?"
"Pretty much.”
The redhead could hardly believe the situation she'd just walked herself into.